The Truth About Acquisitions

22 May 2013

Every company that gets acquired says the same thing: We’re in it for the long haul. Nothing’s going to change. The new management “gets it.” But then reality sets in and the truth about acquisitions is revealed.


>> I just hope they have good food.
>> Hey, where are you guys headed?
>> Oh, uh, Flipbox just got acquired, so we’re gonna go to that party.
>> Nice, hang on, I’ll come with.
>> You don’t wanna come man, it’s like uh,
>> everybody’s gonna be wearing red sweaters, you’ll look weird.
>> Do you guys not want me to come?
>> Nobody wants you to come.
>> Why?
>> Remember what happened that last
>> time when that company upstairs got acquired?
>> Yeah.
>> Great news everyone, we’ve been acquired.
>> Yeah!
>> Woo!
>> Now I know that a change like this is scary, but I wanted to assure
>> you that the company that acquired us, is
>> filled with people that totally get our app.
>> They want to preserve the community and the flavor that we’re going for.
>> Make no mistake about it we’re in it for the long haul.
>> All right we’re keeping the same management.
>> [LAUGH]
>> And the same team.
>> [LAUGH]
>> Is something funny?
>> I mean, I’m just sayin you know.
>> In it for the long haul?
>> I mean come on.
>> [NOISE]
>> What what I am not trying to be a
>> jerk here but we all know what’s really going on I
>> mean, this company is going to like kill off I
>> mean, sunset the app within like six months, a year tops.
>> We all realize that right?
>> I mean there’s no real business model here that’s why he’s gotta sell it.
>> Look, uh, we’re really excited
>> about the opportunities we got moving forward.
>> Yeah, yeah, that’s what the Lucius said,
>> that’s what Dodgeball said, it’s what Flicker said.
>> It’s what everyone gets acquired said.
>> I mean, you’re lying because you need
>> to make sure that all your employees stay
>> motivated now that they’re gone to work for
>> some massive corporations with endless layers of bureaucracy,
>> crappy programmers and cash from stuff that
>> they made from 15 years ago that they
>> usually take a flier on you guys and
>> the slim chance to succeed which it won’t.
>> Oh.
>> You know uh, then you guys will all just be fired or quit.

>> Aw.
>> Boo!

>> Is this really surprising to you guys?
>> I mean, why am I such a jerk for saying something we all know?
>> You know?
>> That you’re not in it for the long haul.
>> The management’s gonna quit as soon as they can.
>> The customers are gonna wind up screwed.
>> All you employees are going to hate your new bosses,
>> and the product is eventually gonna be left to rot.
>> Sit down.
>> You all know it’s true, why is this shocking?
>> You weren’t thinking that this was a business
>> partnership between Henry Ford and Thomas Edison were you?
>> And also spinach pies?
>> Come on buy like pigs in a blanket like a decent human being.

>> Cheers, everyone!
>> Hey uh, you guys hiring?
>> Ah, no.
>> No.

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