Performance Review [Sponsored]
27 May 2015
Performance reviews are painful for everyone, especially if your boss rates employees using emojis.
Sponsor: This episode sponsored by ObjectiveManager, performance improvement software that generates connectivity between people and clients.
>> Okay, you hate performance reviews.
>> I hate performance reviews.
>> So we both know this is going to be awkward, contrived, and
a huge waste of time.
>> A boring, pointless.
>> Bureaucratic exercise.
>> Also, I’ve done zero preparation for it.
>> So let’s begin.
>> I’m going to rank you in the following categories.
>> Now, in the past I’ve done this on a scale of one to five, but
some people didn’t like that system.
>> Ooh, snake eyes.
>> Sorry about that.
>> So for this year, I’m giving you an emoji for each category.
>> For problem solving, I give you a flamenco dancer.
>> For initiative, a giant cat face with an open mouth.
>> For organizational skills, a top hat and for
professionalism, a Japanese goblin.
>> I feel like I haven’t been getting enough feedback.
>> Really? We’ve been doing quarterly performance reviews.
>> We have?
>> Remember those text messages I sent you?
[NOISE] >> Honestly,
you’ve been doing a great job, but I have to give failing
performance reviews to 20% of the staff, so.
>> Okay, time for
degree feedback where we get anonymous feedback from your coworkers.
>> First up,
you set low personal standards and consistently fail to achieve them.
>> Hm, that’s pretty clever.
>> So you’re not going to say anything about that,
>> I’ll have to put you down as a conflict avoider.
>> You haven’t kept me informed about your progress.
>> [LAUGH] You told me to never email you, and if I did,
you wouldn’t read it anyway.
>> And you said never talk to you in front of other people.
>> And that one time I did try to talk to you, you said shh.
>> That’s not an excuse.
>> I won three new clients last February.
>> Look, I can’t be expected to remember what you did 11 months ago.
>> I always try to have a thorough documentation of results.
>> That’s why I’ve been scribbling down stuff about you for
the past year on post-it notes alongside my to do lists.
>> So, pick up laundry.
>> Is that you?
>> To be honest, I have no idea what you do.
>> You should check out the new software I’ve been using called
>> It’s super simple.
>> I’ve listed the five objectives I need to achieve in the next year, and
>> I’ve planned out how I’m going to make that happen.
>> Then I record my progress along the way and
it gets shared with the team as soon as I post it.
>> And I can ask for feedback at any point so I know I’m on the right track.
>> You have to write all that down, huh?
>> Poor memory.
>> No, it means I’m sharing my goals with everyone in the company so
>> I know we’re on the same page.
>> Okay, I see what they mean when they call you defensive.
>> Actually, you should try it.
>> If we knew what you were focused on, it would really help the whole team.
>> Shows disrespect towards supervisor.
>> You did a great job, so I’m giving you fours across the board.
>> Why not fives?
>> Because only Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy,
exceeds expectations, Charles.
>> Now, let’s set some goals for the coming year and
forget about them as soon as this meeting ends.