Bullshit Metrics

17 December 2018

This is the problem with most startup growth metrics.


>> Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
>> Yup?
>> These numbers you gave me, they’re terrible.
>> All right, you’re the stats guy.
>> I want some impressive sounding metrics.
>> You know? App views, or downloads, or registered users.
>> A hundred thousand of these, a million of those.
>> A million of what?
>> I just want to be able to say I have a million of something.
>> I don’t care what, you know, a million of something.
>> I want to be able to say, millions, in front of the press or investors or
my ex-wife.
>> You want me to make up numbers?
>> I don’t want you to make up anything, all right.
>> I want you to massage the numbers, all right.
>> Give them a back rub.
>> Make them look sexy, you know?
>> Our pages views are up 150% in the past month.
>> Oh, you know how we got the page views up?
>> We added a bunch of those slideshows that forced users to
repeatedly click through to see additional pages.
>> People hate those.
>> Our customer base has grown 50% week over week for two weeks in a row.
>> Oh, yeah, yeah.
>> Now, I could count how many customers we have on two hands.
>> Downloads up 420% in the past month.
>> Hello, bitches.
>> You bet they are.
>> We’re buying a bunch of clicks from a server farm in India or Bangladesh.
>> Something. >> Over 1000 signups in the past two months.
>> Yeah, that’s when we started mailing $20 to anyone who signs up.
>> None of them ever come back.
>> It’s costing us a fortune.
>> Number of total registered users for Vooza, millions.
>> Millions of registered users.
>> People that actually use this site, 18, and
there’s eight of us who work here, so ten.
>> I never use it, so nine.
>> Nate asked me some questions the other day that makes me think he
doesn’t even know what we do here, so eight.
>> And Steve doesn’t own a computer, so seven.
>> Well, from February to July,
the US murder rate was sharply correlated with Vooza’s download rate.
>> Both went down.
>> So, I think you can clearly see,
>> Vooza stops people from murdering each other.
>> I can name somebody I want to murder.

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