Bullshit Metrics

This is the problem with most startup growth metrics.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
>> Yup?
>> These numbers you gave me, they're terrible.
[MUSIC]
All right, you're the stats guy.
I want some impressive sounding metrics.
You know? App views, or downloads, or registered users.
A hundred thousand of these, a million of those.
>> A million of what?
>> I just want to be able to say I have a million of something.
I don't care what, you know, a million of something.
I want to be able to say, millions, in front of the press or investors or
my ex-wife.
>> You want me to make up numbers?
>> I don't want you to make up anything, all right.
I want you to massage the numbers, all right.
Give them a back rub.
Make them look sexy, you know?
[MUSIC]
Our pages views are up 150% in the past month.
>> Oh, you know how we got the page views up?
We added a bunch of those slideshows that forced users to
repeatedly click through to see additional pages.
People hate those.
>> Our customer base has grown 50% week over week for two weeks in a row.
>> Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now, I could count how many customers we have on two hands.
>> Downloads up 420% in the past month.
Hello, bitches.
>> You bet they are.
We're buying a bunch of clicks from a server farm in India or Bangladesh.
Something. >> Over 1000 signups in the past two months.
>> Yeah, that's when we started mailing $20 to anyone who signs up.
None of them ever come back.
It's costing us a fortune.
>> Number of total registered users for Vooza, millions.
>> Millions of registered users.
People that actually use this site, 18, and
there's eight of us who work here, so ten.
I never use it, so nine.
Nate asked me some questions the other day that makes me think he
doesn't even know what we do here, so eight.
And Steve doesn't own a computer, so seven.
>> Well, from February to July,
the US murder rate was sharply correlated with Vooza's download rate.
Both went down.
So, I think you can clearly see,
Vooza stops people from murdering each other.
>> I can name somebody I want to murder.
[MUSIC]

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